By Mark Crocker
Sex, Drugs, and Rock 'n Roll
Now you are thinking that this is going to be about me getting my own way and controlling my human’s life. But it's not.
As I have said in the past my human leaves me alone for about 9 hours a day for 5 days out of your human week. Sometimes it's 6 days and every so often it's 7 days and I don’t like it. Well being left alone I get kind of bored and as I have mentioned before and you can kill only so many plants before it gets old.
Now as some of you have guessed I can use a computer and as I have mentioned it's hard on my claws as typing is hard as I have to hunt and peck when I use the keyboard and as yet I have not been able to get the voice program to recognize me when I talk to the computer through it's voice program. So I have to do it the hard way and hunt and peck on the keyboard.
Now when my human is away I like to use his computer that sits in his lap. It’s easy to use and all I have to do is push the button and wait for it to start. Much as I am doing right now by writing. But sometimes I just like to get online and just see what’s out there.
I have my favorite web sites I like.
Now what normally happens is that my human starts to get ready to leave about an hour before he leaves. And just before he does leave he has this little odd ritual that he does. Which is he puts on his head covering then walks back to where I am and looks at me if I am pretending to sleep and whispers “be safe and be a good girl” or if I am sunning myself in the window he will pull back the curtain and tell me “have a good day and see you later”. Then he leaves.
But I don’t get on the computer right away as sometimes he forgets things and comes back and seeing me sitting at the computer typing would be a bad thing.
Just imaging the look on his face if he walked in through the door and saw me sitting at the computer typing away or looking at web sites.
Once he is gone I will go to his computer that sits in his lap and I will turn it on and then I will go and have something to eat while it turns on and starts up.
Now once it has started up I will go online and check my e-mail that I have and answer e-mails from friends who are mostly other cats.
Then if the mood is upon me I will start to write much as I am doing now. But other times I just like to go to my favorite web sites such as cat fancy, modern cat, total cat or to the secret talking rooms that we chosen ones use. And no, I am not going to give you the address so you can go and see what we really talk about and what we really think of our humans. Not only would it get me into a lot of trouble with other chosen ones but you might be shocked at what we say and what we talk about. And to be truthful it’s rare that we say bad things about the humans we have picked. After all if I was to bad mouth my human I would be admitting a mistake and we chosen ones don’t make mistakes.
Ok so back to the computer and going online.
Sometimes I go to my favorite web sites as I have stated and I like to look at male cats after all I have not had my female parts removed and every three months or so my hormones kick in and I become a howling monster that can’t control my urges and that’s normally when I go online and look at male cats. I sometimes wonder what it would be like to have kittens and to be a mom. But well my human makes sure I can’t sneak out and deal with my hormonal urges. And that might be a good thing or it might not be.
But getting online and going to “Cat Fancy” or “Cat Today” does help me when my hormones are raging. And do my hormones rage sometimes?
Yes they do and I sometimes lose control of myself when I am having hormonal issues. All I can think about is getting out and finding an unfixed male cat and letting him do what I need to have done. But well that’s natural behavior as that’s what my hormones make me want to do and you can’t fight nature. Well you can but it’s very hard and it’s easier just to give in and let what’s going to happen, happen. But well as I said my human takes great care not to let me go out when I am fighting my hormones.
I do have another habit which sometimes I combine with getting on the computer when my human is gone. My habit started when my human gave me some green funny smelling dried herbal stuff.
The first time I tried it I sniffed it and sniffed it again. It smelt so good that I put my face right in it and then I got some in my mouth and it tasted even better.
So I ate what was on the floor and then like a few moments later I had all this energy so I started to bounce and run and play. Then it was like “wow”. The colors around me became sharper and the sounds became clearer and I could feel everything from the tips of my whiskers down to the tip of my tail.
My human told me the green stuff was called catnip and that it was good for me as it would give me energy and make me feel good.
And did it ever.
I have to admit that I liked catnip from the very first time I tried it. And for a while all I had was the dried stuff and that would make me bounce and go crazy with me dashing here and there and leaping high and bouncing over things and under things and sometimes even though things. But the thing is that after a while once the catnip is done I have not energy left at all and I have to stop where I am, and sleep.
Sometimes when I am on the catnip I end up curled up in places that afterward I ask myself how I got there. There was one time when I was give catnip that I woke up on top of the window covers with my legs hanging over the sides and my body pressed against the wall. I don’t even remember getting up there or even how I got up there and the drop down to the ground was a long way so I cried out for my human who had to get me down. I have a feeling he put me up there but it's also possible that somehow I got up there on my own?
Another time I had catnip really strange things happened? I mean really strange things.
I had just sniffed and inhaled the catnip and I had a sudden burst of energy which is normal then the floor kind of moved sideways. But that was not what was really strange. The lights went dark then bright then all strange and amazing colors. The sun beams that streamed in from the window twisted and turned and danced. Then they started to take on different colors that steamed into the room. Then they started to bend, twist and move in ways that I know dust beams can’t move. It felt like I had suddenly became part of the whole universe and I had to close my eyes as the light was so bright and the colors so vivid.
But when I closed my eyes the dust beams where still there dancing, twisting and bending in my mind that I could not shake the feeling. Then suddenly I felt as if I was being carried aloft on arms of soft white clouds that my whole body sung with delight at the feeling. I felt as if I was part of everything and that everything was part of me. I was the wind in the sky, then I was the sky, then I felt as if I was the grass. And with each new feeling I felt more in touch with everything that I had ever done.
Then the feeling started to fade and once again I felt as if I was flying though the air with the wind pushing my fur flat against me.
Then the sounds changed.
I could hear the birds singing and I could hear each heart beat of the birds. I can normally hear my human’s heart beat when he is close but that's something I tune out. But this was different. Sound became so intense that I wanted to close my ears but I could not as my body was not responding to me.
So I laid on the ground with my eyes closed with the sound of the world pouring into my ears so that they started to hurt. I don’t know how long I laid on the floor where I sat down when I had had that first burst of energy but when I opened my eyes it was dark and I was no longer on the floor but on top of the kitchen cabinets covered in dust.
I had no idea how I had gotten up there nor at first did I know how I was going to get down. At first I thought about calling out for my human but that would have been embarrassing for me to have my human help me down. So looking over the edge I figured out that if I got on top of the big white thing that keeps my humans food cool I could get down part of the way and from there I could jump down. But once I was on the big white thing it still looked a long way down. So I looked around and noticed that the forbidden cooking thing was an easy jump and from there I could jump to the floor. So down I went.
I still wonder how I got up on top of the kitchen cabinets. But I wonder even more what kind of catnip my human had given me.
Let me tell you what it looked like.
Now normally my catnip is dry and light green. But this catnip was soft juicy and very green. Almost like it was fresh and not dried out which is normally how I get given it. And I think it was catnip before it had all the juices removed.
I would not mind trying that stuff again as it was wild and not scary.
I think it’s a good thing I don’t get given catnip too often as I kind of like it a little too much. But the down side is that I don’t get it as often as I would like.
My human even made a video of me sniffing catnip and he posted it online.
I have thought about going on line and ordering catnip from a couple of web sites but first off I don’t have a money card to give a number for the order and secondly if I did order it and pay for it my human would find out that I use his computer and then there would be all kinds of issues.
Now onto other matters.
The subject matter is sex, drugs and rock 'n roll.
Now you are more than likely thinking I am going to talk about that horrible noise some of you humans seem to like to listen to and call music. I guess I could but well what’s the point as it’s loud, hurts the ears and sounds so terrible that calling it music is totally wrong.
It's boom, boom, boom, thud, thud, thud, I mean you can hardly call it music can you now? No you can’t or rather I can’t. We chosen ones don’t call it music at all. Even one of us chosen ones in a hormonal rage sounds better than what this rock 'n roll sounds like. It’s not music at all just sound and very bad sound at that. I don’t like this so called music one little bit.
But that’s not what I am going to talk about.
No the rock 'n roll I am going to talk about is far more important than the so called booming throbbing thumbing sound you call rock 'n roll.
Now if you read back or remember you will see or recall what I said about hearing my human’s heartbeat. We chosen ones have very good hearing you see. The reason is very simple and if you have been reading all of my tale you will have picked up on something about our hearing. Something very important that might seem minor to you but is not as I will try and explain why it’s important to you.
Our hearing is so acute that when hunting we can hear our prey as it hides in the grasses or bushes or even in the trees. We can hear all kinds of things not just the heartbeats of our prey or the breathing of our prey. We hear things that you don’t normally hear. Sounds that mean so much to us and can tell us things.
Did you know the clouds make sounds just before they rain or make snow. Did you know the sun makes sounds as it hits and warms things? Did you know that water makes sounds when it moves?
Sound as I am trying to get across to you is very important. If you listen you can hear things happening and that can help you or even save your life.
I am not talking about the sound of a transport coming towards you. Or something trying to sneak up on you. Sure they can save you from pain, hurt or even death. No I am talking about something far more harmfull and dangerous and something we chosen ones can hear.
But it’s more than hearing too. It's something we feel. And do we feel!
You humans too are capable of feeling the same thing but your hearing is not attuned to hearing the sound that could save your life.
Let me explain what it feels like before I talk about how it sounds. It’s a feeling inside me like something is pushing inside my head. It swells and builds and pushes. At first it's more like I have just woken up from a long deep sleep and I am feeling fuzzy from sleep. But that’s not the case as this feeling will start even if I am awake.
The strange thing is that it starts as such a little thing. Something in the back of my head that is nothing much, it's more of a faint hardly noticeable feeling that could be just me having too much catnip or from sniffing something that has clogged my nose and is going to make me sneeze.
And sometimes that is all it is.
But other times that faint hardly noticeable feeling will start to grow and build in my head. It will keep growing and building until it starts to get painful and uncomfortable.
It’s almost like when my human turns on his music too loud and plays it too long so that my ears hurt.
Once the feeling has reached the hurting point it then starts to swell out from my head and my whole body starts to feel the pressure of this building feeling.
The building feeling can go on for days sometimes making me uncomfortable and bad tempered. But well there is not much I can do about it so I try and ignore the feeling and the pressure in my head.
Now the sound it makes.
It’s a soft sound at first like soft warm blankets moving. But it grows it turns into to a soft creaking sound kind of like wood bending a little. Then it gets louder and as it gets louder it turns into a groaning sound.
It always stays out of your human hearing range and you humans never hear it or hardly ever hear it. And when you do it's too late as it happens right at the point when you humans are able to hear it.
Then comes the event itself and when that happens it’s like a huge release inside me and all the pain and hurt goes away leaving me weak and exhausted.
The few moments before the event are by far the worst as the building feeling and the pressure is so painful I have to yell and let it out.
Some times the event is so small that only us chosen ones feel it. But a few times my human has felt the event.
Now I am going to explain what the event is.
Just before the event the feeling is so painful that as I have said I have to yell out as there is only so much pain you can hold in.
There was one time when the event happened in the night and my human was sleeping.
Ok this is what happened.
It was a cold night and there had been that horrible nasty white snot that falls from the sky. But for me what was worse was the horrible building feeling inside me that had been building for a few days and had reached the point of me screaming out in pain.
I reached that point as I was laying on the bed next to my human trying to keep warm and get some comfort from the pain inside me. You see this was the first time I had ever felt anything like the building feeling inside me. So as I laid next to my human I had no idea what was happening or what to do about the feeling.
So I yelled out loudly which woke my human.
He reached over placed his hand on me and said “shhhhhh it's ok” Then the sleeping platform started to shake and my human said “Oh, Lexi, relax and stop shaking”.
I told him it was not me but that everything was shaking and not just his sleeping platform but the walls, the roof, and the ground.
The rocking and rolling went on for what seemed ever and in the end it just faded away like it had never happened. I felt so much better too once the rocking and rolling had stopped.
The pain in my head had gone, the pain in my body had gone and all the pressure that had been building up inside me was released and I could finally relax and feel like my normal self.
My human got off his sleeping platform and went to his computer in the other room and sat down. He then made a cup of tea and went back to his computer. After awhile he came back to his sleeping platform woke me up and told me “it was only a little earthquake. Just 3.1 but pretty close like 5 miles away” after a pause he picked me up and spoke again “you are my little earthquake detector”.
Since that first ground rocking and rolling or earthquake I have warned my human when I have felt the building pressure in me.
I am getting pretty good at figuring out when it’s about to happen. The downside is that I can’t tell yet how big the ground rocking and rolling will be.
Many times that I have warned my human the ground rocking and rolling has been so small that he has not felt it. But he always gets on his computer and checks to see how big the ground rocking and rolling was. But he is always happy when I let him know. He also grabs me when I warn him and he takes me outside and away from his house so that if it falls down we are safe.
As he likes to tell me “one day you will warn me and it will save us”.
The last ground rocking and rolling was only a few days ago and it was so small that I hardly felt it. It was only a little one of 0.1 so it was not even worth warning my human. Beside when it happened he was not here.
The thing is that I will keep warning him about the ground rocking and rolling. I guess that is one of my jobs. I am what he calls “a little earthquake detector”.